Review : The Conjuring (2013)

Well hello again! 

The Horror Hotel is re-open for business. 

The perils of a new job, a new lifestyle, and taking a kicking from an 'as-yet-unspecified' illness, have led me to distance myself from the world of horror for a spell. I've been reading horror literature like a beast, (take a bow, Bryan Smith),  but I haven't really been grooving on the genres cinematic output. Too much going on, as it were. A mind unsettled makes for a poor companion in the cinema stalls...

That all changed when, out of the blue, I learned about a new horror film; (a ghost story to be precise), centered around the famous paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, (they of Amityville notoriety). A movie based on what they personally felt was their most disturbing case, and one kept under wraps until very recently, (and I won't divulge any details here). How could I resist? I love a good paranormal tale, even though by daylight I'm as skeptical and logical about such matters as can be; there's just something inherently terrifying on a primal level about a well-told spook story that never fails to freeze me blood and cut my imagination loose. As a rule, I always watch ghost stories alone, in the dark, with the shadows creeping around my shoulders for maximum effect as, (and all you horror aficionados will agree, I'm sure), it gets very hard to find effectively scary material out there. The more you watch and are exposed to; the less you tend to morph into a squealing little bitch.

Review : Paranormal Lack of Activity 4 (2012)

Authors Note : First of all, lemme just say HAPPY HALLOWEEN to everyone!

Sorry it's so belated, but my Internet was down for an extended period of time, and unfortunately, it happened just as our fave time of year came calling. So be it, gotta take the rough with the smooth, man. I did manage to watch a ridiculous amount of Horror during the season, as is my duty and my passion, and have a tidy little backlog of films to set about reviewing, (including, of course, THE WALKING DEAD S3E3). Bear with me folks. Now, onto the first of this months reviews....

Oh, and this review/rant will feature some spoilers, as its impossible to detail the films myriad flaws without exploring some of the plots more ridiculous twists. I'll keep the spoilers to a minimum, guys, although there's really nothing to spoil.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4, should you not already be aware of this, is a full-tilt  disaster. I'll just throw that out there right off the bat for anyone who may be about to make the dire mistake of paying to see this nonsense. I'll give my reasons why its such a mess in due time, but in the slim chance your glancing at this review just as your putting on your jacket and heading for the door; mark my words.....do NOT pay to see this thing.

Buy something nice for your better half. Buy some Scotch and drink yourself good-looking. Hell, give your money to that homeless fella with the winning smile outside your local cornershop. I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself for doing it, and he deserves it a fuck-sight more than the makers of this franchise killer, even if he is sniffing bath-salts.

Speaking of the franchise; I'm a fan, by the way...

Review : The Barrens (2012)

A family man takes his wife and two kids on a camping trip into the wilds of New Jersey, with the intent to heal broken familial bonds and come to terms with the death of someone near and dear to him. No sooner has the fella and his tribe arrived, he starts seeing and hearing things, and comes to believe that the local legend of the 'Jersey Devil' may be much more than just a legend...

I felt a little guilty writing that synopsis. I really did. The reason why I felt so guilty is that THE BARRENS is not exactly a monster movie, and should never have been sold as one. A clearer and more accurate blurb for the film would be, 'one man goes shit-throwing crazy in the woods, while his family feel the fear'. This strange and uneven little horror tale is very much set in the genre of psychological thriller. I'm not spoiling anything for you guys, as its clear from ten minutes in that our lead is more than a little unhinged. Yes, they may or may not be a mythical beast involved, but this certainly isn't a film about said beastie. If you go in expecting the infamous Jersey Devil to be given its due, you'll be sorely dissapointed.

You have to hand it to director Bousman, (MOTHERS DAY, 11-11-11). He really does groove to his own tune. Despite flirting with the mainstream with SAW 3, he's since set out to make the movies and tell the stories that he wants to tell. It's admirable, if occasionally unsuccessful. His last film, 11-11-11, was cut off at the legs by some dreadful editing, but it it was clear that buried somewhere on the cutting room floor was a tense and original film. It shouldve been great, instead...it was a failure. THE BARRENS is certainly a good step up from that film, but we're once again faced with a work that is perhaps somewhat less than the sum of its parts.

I won't lie...when I heard about this film I envisioned a Laymonseque camping trip from hell, filled with old school violence, vicious maneaters, death by campfire and all round badassery. Thats just how my mind works. Its true that my disappointment may have colored my impression of the film, but I'm gonna try to leave this out of the equation and give this baby its dues on its own merits. Its a good film, and makes great use of a limited budget, but there are some problems...

The main problem with Bousman's latest lies in its storytelling.  It has some very accomplished performances, not least from its lead, and the entire family are interesting and likable, but something was lost in the writing. We know from the very start that the father is losing his grip on reality. Some poorly telegraphed dream sequences, ( I hate those damn things), give the game away right from the starting line, not to mention the mans propensity for looking alternately terror stricken or hate-filled, even when chilling with fellow campers and listening to some cool ghost stories. From the early scenes, we may not understand why this guy is where he is, but we see it clear as day, and it removes us from the story to find that his family seem, if not oblivious to his condition, then at least willfully blind to the severity of the poor bastards state. It seems a trite nonsensical that no one raises their arms early on in this film and procliams, 'Look man, lets just go fucking home already, and maybe fix Daddy up with a psychiatrist!'. This camping fiasco is doomed before the first sleeping bag is unrolled.

The pacing in the early scenes doesnt help either. Were it clear that this was a psychological study of dementia, then this wouldnt be a problem, but the chances are, most have come for some monster madness, and as its somewhere near forty five minutes before anything resembling real 'horror' occurs, it'll most likley leave a portion of genre viewers cold. Its a shame really, as if you stick with it, and if your aware of what your actually watching, THE BARRENS really starts to pick up in the second half. The fathers condition becomes clear and a true sense of threat enters the tale, perhaps from within the family, perhaps from without. You've come to care for this dysfunctional bunch quite a bit, and its in the finale that we get to the bloody heart of the matter. I wont say its too little too late, as the film is an accomplished work in many ways, its just that we aint getting what we paid for.

The locations that Bousman has chosen are stunning, and its in this one aspect that my expectations were fully met. I may not have gotten my cheap n cheerful Laymon style madness, but I sure as hell dug the woodland scenery. Its a truly beautiful film to look at. Despite its lack of real scares, the entire movie has the sort of killer atmosphere that you only seem to  find in 80's backwoods slashers, especially during a scene around a campfire, and the rain-soaked finale, both of which really shone. Bousman has the eye and the insight to create great horror, he just has to smooth out the editing, writing and pacing a little more.

As I write this, I'm coming to appreciate the film more for what it is. I'll be rating this one on a 'first veiwing' basis, but had my entrance to the film been of a different sort, I'm positive I would enjoy it a good deal more. In fact, I'm confident that this is a film that will be much more satisfying on second viewing than on first. Feel free to add an extra point to my rating for second viewing,

To summarize...THE BARRENS is a well told tale that simply makes the mistake of not setting its stall in the early scenes. It has bags of atmosphere, some creepy moments, great, (if occasionally overwrought), performances, and some nice twists along the way to keep you on your toes. Gore-hounds will find some kicks in the finale, and those who enjoy a good 'descent into lunacy' tale will find plenty to chew on. Is it a movie about man or monster? I ain't gonna divulge that information, but its in no way a proper look at the Jersey Devil. If you guys go in with the right attitude, you may come out pleasantly surprised. Go in with the wrong one and it may be a whole different story, much like THE BARRENS itself.

6 Gutted Deer out of 10 

Review : Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Director:

Bradley Parker

Writers:

Oren Peli (screenplay), Carey Van Dyke (screenplay), and 2 more credits »

Stars:

Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski and Olivia Dudley

If there has ever been a location that's tailor made for horror fiction, it's Chernobyl and the surrounding area, most notably the city of Prypyat. Its a location that send chills up the spine without any need for embellishment or enhancement. A real world place succumbed to a tragedy that disturbs and disquiets at our most base instinctual level. The awful accident that happened there is still ongoing, some twenty five years later, the countless lives destroyed, the unnatural births, the fight to keep that damned reactor from leaking....all downright freaky, (and saddening) shit.

The beautiful township of Prypyat, where the majority of the nuclear facilities workers lived, with their families in tow, has become legend. After days of exposure to high levels of radiation, the poor souls who lived there were eventually given the truth about the accident that happened only two miles from where they fed their kids. Evacuation was immediate, and within 40 or so hours, the once vibrant and beautiful city was nothing more than a ghost town; ready to be reclaimed by nature, and never to be filled with human life again. It remains to this day a testament to man's folly, and in case your unaware of the place, (shame on you), just go look it up. For me, its like peering through a looking glass into our inevitable future. One day, all cities will be like this. We're humans.We'lll fuck up again on a far grander scale, (remember Fukishima?). It's in our nature, and it gives me the shits.

Review : Silent House (2011)

Directors:

Chris Kentis, Laura Lau

Writers:

Gustavo Hernández (film "La casa muda"), Laura Lau (screenplay)

Stars:

Elizabeth Olsen, Adam Trese and Eric Sheffer Stevens
 
Trapped inside her family's lakeside retreat, a young woman finds she is unable to contact the outside world as events become increasingly ominous in and around the house

I never caught the original SILENT HOUSE, and in truth, I had no real desire to catch this American remake. For one thing, a remake so soon after the original always feels like an insult to audiences intelligence to me, (yes, we can read subtitles; just release the original work), and as the films whole 'hype', if you will, was based around the fact that it is filmed, or at least appears to be filmed, in one continuous take. In short, its a gimmick, and to be quite frank, i couldn't give a good fuck about gimmickry, in any form, (unless William Castle is behind it). I'm interested in story, plot development, atmosphere and character. Without those things all fitted in place, bravado camerawork and directorial flourish really doesn't appeal to me. The story is God, if you will. SILENT HOUSE, in concept, sounds, (and is), pretty familiar ground. At its core, its essentially a home invasion movie, with an undercurrent on supernatural mystery to sweeten the taste. I dig these films, but they have to bring something fresh to the table. MOTHERS DAY, INSIDE, IL'S/THEM......now those are home invasion movies.

Review : Detention (2011)

Director:

Joseph Kahn

Writers:

Joseph Kahn, Mark Palermo

Stars:

Josh Hutcherson, Shanley Caswell and Spencer Locke

As a killer named Cinderhella stalks the student body at the high school in Grizzly Lake, a group of co-eds band together to survive while they're all serving detention.

'What the FUCK are you watching!!??'

Yep, that's the first words that came out of my lady-friends mouth when she walked in and caught me watching DETENTION...

'Well, honey, its sort of a cross between PROM NIGHT, URBAN LEGEND, BACK TO THE FUTURE and DONNIE DARKO, with some SAY ANYTHING thrown in there for good measure. It's about a time-machine and a serial killer who digs Cinderella and its sort of a romance but with a Grizzly Bear in there.Oh, and some alien mutations too. I think I may have had my drink spiked' I replied.

'Looks fucking crazy' she retorted, and left the room without another word.

Review : The Raven (2012)

Director: 

James McTeigue

Writers: 

Ben Livingston (screenplay), Hannah Shakespeare(screenplay)

Stars:

 John Cusack, Alice Eve and Luke Evans

When a madman begins committing horrific murders inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's works, a young Baltimore detective joins forces with Poe to stop him from making his stories a reality.

For fans of the writing of Edgar Allan Poe, THE RAVEN is probably gonna go only one of two ways. Its either gonna be seen as a shallow, exploitative piece that pisses on the truth of the great man, or its gonna be seen as some harmless Hollywood hokum that plays loose with a heroic historical figure for entertainments sake.

Me...I'm not sure where I stand at the moment. I think I'm on the side of finding the whole thing a little insulting to the mans legacy, but at the same time, I'm a sucker for a good Gothic mystery, and the concept of this one is a doozy.

Exclusive : Interview with THE LOST COAST TAPES Director, Corey Grant

I've made no secret of my rabid enthusiasm for the upcoming Bigfoot themed horror movie, THE LOST COAST TAPES. In truth, it had me at 'Bigfoot', yet as time's went on, it's grown to become my most anticipated movie of the year. The dedication of it's cast and crew, the found footage angle, (which you all know I'm a huge fan of), the mythos behind the legend of Sasquatch, and the authenticity-drenched location shoots in the awe-inspiring redwoods have all conspired to fuel my horror-fan fire.

When the one-sheets were released, it tipped me over the edge, (you can view those bad boys here!). The images, like the whole production, screamed professionalism, and showed a real understanding of what us horror weirdos are looking for in a Bigfoot movie. Atmospheric, creepy, and in the case of one of the posters, downright nasty.

The world needs more Bigfoot movies. Of course, there are now a few in the works, but THE LOST COAST TAPES Director/Producer, Corey Grant, and his fearless band of lunatics, have got their first, and look to have carved out a unique take on the legend. This is the one I'm waiting for.

Review : The Awakening (2011)

 

Director:

Nick Murphy

Writers:

Stephen Volk, Nick Murphy

Stars:

Rebecca Hall, Dominic West and Imelda Staunton

1921 England is overwhelmed by the loss and grief of World War I. Hoax exposer Florence Cathcart visits a boarding school to explain sightings of a child ghost. Everything she knew in unravels as the 'missing' begin to show themselves. 

From the opening moments, Nick Murphy's THE AWAKENING sets its stall as a refreshingly old school, ghost story; the likes of which we rarely see anymore. It has that quintessential M.R James feel that only comes from the shores of the UK, and even then, rarely works as effectively as it does here. While billed as a horror film, THE AWAKENING really doesn't feel like one. Supernatural? Yes. Period drama with Gothic overtones? Definitely. Theres little here by way of genuine fear, though. This is as gentle and subtle, (for the most part) as our genre gets, and that's no bad thing here.

The film evokes fond memories of classic Hammer Productions, with its lavish sets and gentile English manner. Its charming from the very first moments, and boasts some beautifully atmospheric music to help set the somewhat sombre tone that carries the film through. We open on a seance taking place in turn of the century London, and boy does it look the part. In fact, the scene is effectively frightening up until the reveal, where it cleverly and quickly turns it gaze onto our central character. What we have here is a study of grief, loss and guilt, masquerading as a horror story. And it works.

Review : The Woman in Black (2012)

Director:

James Watkins

Writers:

Susan Hill (novel), Jane Goldman (screenplay)

Stars:

Daniel Radcliffe, Janet McTeer and Ciarán Hinds

A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals.

Walking into this, the second screen adaptation of Susan Hill's wonderful THE WOMAN IN BLACK, I was a roiling cocktail of mixed emotions. I love the 1989 TV version with a passion. I believe it to be one of the most chilling and effective ghost stories ever put to screen, and have rarely seen its equal, on the small screen or the large. So I was understandably worried about the very real threat of a big budget remake. Experience has taught me that when it comes to classic ghost stories, big budgets and subtlety rarely compliment each other.

On the other hand, this is the fourth release from the newly re-birthed Hammer Studios, and anyone who reads my incessant ramblings will know that I have a lifelong, and unquenchable love for Hammer. That film studio is the image and the soundtrack to my childhood nightmares, and has become a comfort to the older, slightly doddering version that stands before you now. Hammers early Horror output is much like a group of family members who's memory I just cant let go of. Nor do I want to.

So far, the re-emergence of Hammer has produced a mixed bag of goodies. Their first release, WAKE WOOD, inspired me to write my first ever review, (you can read the review here), and to build this here Horror Hotel, as it now exists, . WAKE WOOD was a refreshingly old school tale that managed in many ways to capture a number of staples of the Hammer classics, and bring them into a modern environ. It was a fine start, though it was still some distance from the lush grandeur of HORROR OF DRACULA, THE GORGON, CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN et all...

Review : Rosewood Lane (2011)

Director:

Victor Salva

Writer:

Victor Salva

Stars:

Rose McGowan, Lauren Vélez and Ray Wise

When radio talk show psychiatrist, Dr. Sonny Blake, moves back to her hometown, she takes notice of her neighbourhood paper boy's unusual behaviour. She soon comes to realise the little bastard could be very dangerous, as he launches a campaign of terror against her...

I liked some of Victor Salva's output. I really did.....

I thought that CLOWNHOUSE was a really well made and genuinely frightening look at childhood fears, and I enjoyed JEEPERS CREEPERS' approach to old school monster-movie making. The guy was a good thing to have around in the genre. Sure JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 left a lot to be desired, but it was watchable, and its flaws weren't enough to quell my thirst for a third film.

Then I learnt all about Salva's unfortunate past...
 
Now, I understand that art and its creator often need to be separated, especially in my line of work, but Salva's abuse of young boys left a particularly sour taste in my mouth, especially as his more 'unsavoury' compulsions seem to infuse his films more often than not. For one thing, the young star of CLOWNHOUSE was being systematically abused during filming, and its impossible to watch it now and not feel heartbroken for the suffering that poor kid went through. Not to mention the fact that half the fucking film has half naked preteen boys running around. And how about JEEPERS CREEPERS? A predator that wants a part of a young boy, even going so far as to sniff his goddamn underwear. Or how about its sequel, in which we have to suffer through high-school boys having pissing contests while scantily dressed. I'm sorry kids, but that shit just doesn't sit right with me. How it sits with you, is your own issue.

Review : Whitechapel (2008)

Stars:

Rupert Penry-Jones, Philip Davis and Steve Pemberton

A fast-tracked inspector, a hardened detective sergeant, and an expert in historical homicides investigate modern crimes with connections to the past in the Whitechapel district of London. 

I'm no 'Ripperologist', but I do boast a rather unhealthy obsession with the crimes, the myths and the madness that surround the infamous Jack the Ripper's killing spree.

At school, I performed a presentation on the circumstances of Mary Kelly's demise, in explicit detail, and was somewhat frowned upon by my bitch of an English teacher in the process. My parents received one of numerous letters pertaining to my 'strange fixations', (others included short Horror stories, a predilection for all things 'Stephen King' by age eleven, and the always present, 'Killers Casebook' which I bought monthly to study up on Dahmer, Gein, Manson and all the rest of those crazy fuckers.

Review : Super 8 (2011)

 Director:

J.J. Abrams

Writer:

J.J. Abrams

Stars:

Elle Fanning, Amanda Michalka and Kyle Chandler

In the summer of 1979 a group of friends in a small Ohio town witness a huge train crash whilst making a zombie film on Super 8. As strange events and disappearances start occurring in and around town, they begin to investigate the phenomena, and quickly come to suspect that the train crash and its mysterious cargo are key to whatever is happening to their home.

I caught SUPER 8 a few days back, yet decided to hold out on my review for a very specific reason. I believe that an emotional reaction to a film is every bit as relevant as an intellectual response, and reviews coming from either place are equally valid, and both have their merits. I try to balance the two, but its often hard to gain perspective on things when your emotions are in full control. I remember viewing BRAVEHEART for the first time and being an absolute wreck by the films end. Its themes and messages hit me hard, and being a Scotsman, it was close to the bone; yet in retrospect its a pretty silly movie. With some seriously dopey plot strands and ridiculous dialogue. Had I reviewed back then, I'd have been slightly embarrassed looking back on my immediate thoughts. I felt the same risk was inherent in reviewing SUPER 8.

Review : Needle (2010)

A college student, Ben,  inherits a 18 Century French antique box after his Father dies. The box is said to have been used during the french 'Grand Giognol' Theatre and is worth a great deal of money, but not long after Ben receives it, the antique goes missing, and his close friends begin to die, in gruesome and mysterious circumstances..

NEEDLE opens with a pretty effective coda which sets up the supernatural elements of the story. It opens strong, with some decidedly creepy music and a satisfyingly gory kill. Excellent, thought I. This looks pretty good. I always appreciate an opening that sets up a mystery. If something can grab my attention in the first five minutes, its a good bet my ass will be remaining on the couch for the next ninety minutes or what have you. Then, just as quickly as this original little intro has come; its gone. And BOOM, we're hit with a soft pop rock track playing as the camera slowly pans down into a college campus. Fuck! For the briefest of moments I had high hopes that I may have discovered a hidden gem. Sure as shit we're quickly introduced to the beautiful young cast, (no one ugly or even average looking is allowed anywhere fucking NEAR higher education, apparently), and get bombarded with the usual cliched nonsense that's come knocking on our door so many thousands of time before.

They're all here, the sex obsessed sports fanatic, the nerdy guy who's desperate to fuck the unattainable blond, the quiet and reserved hottie who wants to bang the lead actor, the lead actor who seems oblivious to what the rest of the male species can clearly see, (that she's fucking hot), the token black guy who has two lines in total, the lesbian couple who dry hump every chance they get, (why does this never happen in real life?).  All here vying for their three minutes of screen time and a chance to get slaughtered, both literally and figuratively. By the time this little GAP gang was introduced, I was ready to hit the bottle. It was gonna be a long morning. Twenty minutes into this Australian flick and I felt like I was watching an episode of Neighbours. Nothing happened, outside family drama, some partying and a whole lot of fuck all else. The only thing in the opening section of the film, (minus the coda), was the cameo by V's very own lizard queen herself, Jane Badler. That was a nice touch. Good to see her on the screen again, and she still looks pretty fine. So, we're twenty or so minutes more into our short life on the planet and things are looking bleak.

Then, all of a sudden, the,(seemingly forgotten), mystery that kicked the whole thing off comes back into play, and the film, despite all the signs, gets interesting. And it manages to hold that interest for almost the entirety of the run time. As soon as the mystery becomes central to the movie, the film switches to a mode that can best be describes as somewhere between a slasher film, an occult film and a whodunit, and it all works quite well. I'm a sucker for anything related to black magic, and the history behind the artifact causing all the mayhem is fascinating stuff. Not to mention the artifact itself makes for a pretty gruesome instrument of bloodletting. There are some nice kills to be found here. One in particular is very well shot and makes good use of the (praise Jeebus!), in camera gore effects. Add these kills to a solid whodunit and you have a fun little movie on your hands. The film I was most reminded of was the admittedly superior URBAN LEGEND. They have a similar vibe despite having very different plots.

Acting wise, its all over the place, though there are a number of decent performances. The films lead, Micheal Dorman, (TRIANGLE, DAYBREAKERS), plays decent bloke and inheritor of the death device known as, 'Le Vaudou Mort, does okay with what he has, although the character seems to become more and more of a pussy as events unfold, aren't we supposed to be rooting for this guy. Second in command, and giving a far finer performance that I expected to find here, is Travis Fimmel, ( THE EXPERIMENT), who, as the leads older brother, brings a nervous energy to his character that lends very well to the tension between the two. It was a wise choice on Director, John V. Soto's part in putting these two center stage. Most of the rest of the cast are wallpaper, frankly, and barely manage two dimensions, never mind three. Also of note, its nice to see John Jarrett here, even if he is underused. The man became an instant legend playing sadistic lunatic, Mick Taylor is the far superior Australian shocker, WOLF CREEK. He's great here as always and his touch of class is always welcome.

Direction wise, its very workmanlike. The films only directorial flourish comes from the kills scenes, which take a leaf out of Dario Argento's book, down to the black gloved hand of the killer. They work and help punctuate the tale when it hits its slow spots.

NEEDLE is a reasonably slick looking low budget horror that manages to hold the interest and tease the brain a little as you bounce from suspect to suspect. Its far from Sherlock Holmes, or even SCREAM, but its a fun diversion with a strong soundtrack, some nice kills and a cool concept. The finale lets it down a little, but overall, low budget fans could do worse than to rent this humble supernatural slasher. Its generic is its style, cinematography and setting, but manages to entertain thanks to a couple of good performances and an attention grabbing plot.