Review : Spiders (2013)

Its not every day that I come across a giant bug movie I find it hard to get behind, man. Give me some radiated insect, some hot and sultry scientist gal, some military hi-jinx and some city/town-wide destruction, and I'm popping smiles left and right, but somehow, this months SPIDERS failed to do it for me, in any way whatsoever. Let me attempt to pinpoint the reasons why, and maybe save you a buck or ten...

First off...the plot.

SPIDERS is your typical 'space insects hurtle towards earth on a shuttle-fragment and once here presume to grow faster than Russell Crowe's beer-gut' scenario. We've been here a million times before, and lets be honest, we don't give a good shit how the giant spiders get here, just as long as when they DO get here, they fuck shit up like the MC5 circa '69. Plots, characters, acting and drama almost always get a pass in these b-movies. They get by on charm, playfulness and yes, big-ass bugs eating hapless extras. Its not much to ask. Occasionally we'll get a serious take on this thing, (MIMIC comes immediately to mind), and some of them are even stone-cold classics, (THEM! still ranks as the big daddy of the giant creep-crawly flicks, and TREMORS resides among the all-time greats like a boss), but for the most part they're simply throwaway fun. Shamelessly made and slightly shaming to watch and enjoy. Not that such confliction of standards will stop us hungry horror fans...

So, as a bug-movie enthusiast, and a well-known chronic arachnophobe, I jumped into SPIDERS with a mix of apprehension and boyish glee. A big bug bonanza made for the big screen sounded like just the ticket, man. Well you know what? It wasn't.

The show starts off pretty strong, with a cool opening shot of some space-spiders scuttling amidst the corpses of a derelict space-hub, (is that what we're calling these things? I have no fucking clue...I'm not a scientist), that pans through the devastation wrought by the little eight-legged bastards, and out into open space, where we see some random meteors smash the 'hub' to shit. This, of course, sends our little buddies on a one-way trip to New York, (obviously), where they crash into the subway, set up home, and begin to grow at 'AN ALARMING RATE!!!!!!'. The usual...so far, so good. No complaints.

Review : Silent Hill - Revelation (2012)

Director:

Michael J. Bassett

Writer:

Michael J. Bassett

Stars:

Adelaide Clemens, Kit Harington and Sean Bean
When her father disappears, Heather Mason is drawn into a strange and terrifying alternate reality that holds answers to the horrific nightmares that have plagued her since childhood.

'Do you Facebook?'

Ummm, I'm not sure, man. The fuck are you talking about? Has anyone ever said this to another human being in the history of our species? I really hope not, because if that's ever been used as a chat-up line, you just KNOW that guy went home with his dick dry.

Still, this is one of many amazingly awful lines of dialogue that threaten to sink this belated sequel to the really-rather-good Christophe Gans SILENT HILL adaptation. Its to teh credit of this hugely flawed follow-up films visuals, that it somehow manages to not only stay afloat, but to actually engage me on some level for its far too short eighty-two minute run-time.

Now, I know this film has recieved an absolute hammering from critics across the globe, but the truth is, it wasn't made for them. Shit, man, it was even made for me. It was made for those guys and gals who know the lore and the landscape of the popular survival horror franchise like they know the back of their hands. And I have a feeling that it'll satisfy most of them. It may be something of a car crash in terms of writing and plotting, but it's got a wicked little pace going for it, and while the eye candy is never quite as beautiful as in the first film; it still feels like your dealing with a legitimately 'Silent Hill', product. A lesser one, yeah, but still one with a little bite now and then.

I played the games, (most of them, anyway), and I loved them. Some of them confused me, some of them scared me shitless. I'm not up on the mythology, but I dig the disturbed and disturbing tone the games utilise. The nightmarish creatures...the subtly dread-filled and mournful soundtracks...the willfull lack of logic that only adds to the sense of disorientation...it's all here on one level or another. And while REVELATION never truly captures the sense of fear that the games elicited, it was never really going to. The first film couldn't capture it either, despite its faithfulness to the source material. Why? Because your not interacting with it. It ain't you roaming around the ashen streets of this creepy little town by the gates of Hell. Its someone else. The sense of oneness is gone. to stick with the formula, (lone character roaming the town), would bore the cinema-going audience, but in bringing in more characters and action, the horror is diluted. It's a catch-22

Of course, with better direction and a better script, REVELATION would still be much more immersive and a whole lot more impactful, but for what it is, its nowhere near as bad as the majority of critics would have you believe.

Seems like with many 'professional' critics, theres a domino-effect in play. One sets fire to a films reputation, and the rest, seeking to keep face, follow the smoke. I try not to do that, and I'm not going to it here. REVELATION is a damned mess in many ways, but its never boring, its gorgeous looking, has a really talented cast, (who are so talented, they almost, ALMOST make the dialogue come to life), and most importantly...a fucking guy with a metal Pyramid on his head and a huge sword.

And thats what lies at the core of a film like this. The acting and the character building are merely an afterthought, much like most early second-gen video games that inspired them. Its about seeing people and places that gamers have spent many hours with, and loved in those hours, come to life on the big screen. Theres a fanbase for this sort of film that will lap it up. As for me, I can't deny enjoying it, despite finding many characters superflous, and finding every single line of dialogie to be explosition. I still enoyed the ride. It's hard to hate a film that features sexy faceless nurses who like to slice and dice based on sound, or a mannequin-spider with five heads and dead staring eyes. That's some shit I can get behind, no-matter what nonsense the actors are babbling.

In fact, if anything, the films main flaw was NOT the awful script or the disjointed storytelling...it was the length. REVELATION could, and should, have been at least forty minutes longer. With some actual character depth, and far more time spent in Silent Hill, this could actually have been something pretty special. As it stands, it's not the stillborn so many proclaim it to be, but it may be missing a few chromosomes or so. Maybe even a limb...

SILENT HILL: REVELATION is not a well-made film. Nor is it a well-edited or well-written film. It is, however, a very beautiful film. And when your visuals and source material are as strong as this films are, theres still going to be something worthy amidst the wreckage. Someday perhaps we'll have a truly great Silent Hill film, (the first movie came pretty damn close in my opinion), but at least they havent pulled a RESIDENT EVIL on us. It's still firmly entrenched in the horror genre. And it has some memorable scenes of hellish carnage to groove to. Go in with low expectations, and close your ears and your wits to the stilted and preposterous dialogue, and you may actually enjoy it a little, despite yourself. I did, and I ain't afraid to say so.

5.5 Spider-Bitches out of 10

Review : Paranorman (2012)

 

Directors:

Chris Butler, Sam Fell

Writer:

Chris Butler

Stars:

Kodi Smit-McPhee, Anna Kendrick and Christopher Mintz-Plasse

A misunderstood boy takes on ghosts, zombies and grown-ups to save his town from a centuries-old curse.

Now, I don't pretend to know a great deal about the intricacies of stop-motion, but I sure as hell know what I like, and I'll take stop-motion over CG any day of the week.

Nothing against CG artists...they do an incredible job, but for this old rodeo rider, there's very few things in the world of cinema that can captivate and charm like a solid, traditional animated tale. I grew up with Ray Harryhausen's cavalcade of creatures, and I still return to those magical films regularly...they never fail to resurrect the monster-mad kid that lives in my time-weathered soul. Its even more impressive to view a full film created in stop motion, and few horror fans will proclaim anything but love for A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS and MAD MONSTER PARTY, and its into this very small, but very much loved family that PARANORMAN belongs.

The most obvious and striking thing here is, of course, the visuals. The world in which the tale takes place is simply beautiful to behold.Its pretty hard to grasp the imagination its creators must possess to give such vivid life to these characters and their environments. Normals town is simply brimming with vibrant, ghoulish life. His world is one that's both delightful on the eye, yet strangely warped. Like all good family horror, PARANORMAN implements all the staples of the genre that we often subconsciously love; from ghouls and ghosts, to Ghost-House-luminescent green lighting, fog and gnarled forestry. Its a world peppered with genre in-jokes and a shamelessly geeky understanding of genre cinema. All is shot with an autumnal palette that really gives the film that 'Halloween' flavor.

In short...its a horror fans wet dream, and is sure to elicit gasps of joy from audiences of all ages as we travel deeper into this truly authentic and engrossing world. This ole' geek has no words to describe the admiration I feel for the artists, which makes it all the more saddening that there are so few of these old school movies released these days. If nothing else grabs you in this film, the stop-motion universe sure will suck you into its majesty, and you'll willingly succumb. In recent memory, only TRICK 'R' TREAT has so perfectly encapsulated what makes horror so beloved.

Now, onto the story..

PARANORMAN comes across like a twisted, Gothic fairy tale that melds retro cinema magic with a more cynical, modern bite. In the character of Norman, many horror fans will find real kinship. His bedroom is garbed with all manner of horror memorabilia, and he's something of an outcast in his school life and at home due to his love for all things macabre...who does that remind you of? He even has the HALLOWEEN them as his ringtone.

Okay, so most of us don't communicate with ghosts on a daily basis, but we can all relate to a slightly quirky kid who's tastes flow more easily to the dark side of life. Hes a great lead character, and a surprisingly deep and layered one for an animated family film. There's real warmth and humanity put into these once inanimate models. Take one look at the actors involved, (see above), and as you would imagine, the voice cast are stellar, with the mighty John Goodman stealing the show even in limited capacity as Norman's estranged, and strange, uncle, (who shares Normans gift of communing with the deceased).

And its funny too, in a quirky, slightly queasy way. The jokes are often tinged with black humor, but often hit the mark as Normans world becomes ever more strange. For example, one early scene features the ghost of a family pet that has been sliced in half...the front half trots around behind the back half to sniff its own ass. Some would say its dark, or even distasteful, but I can see kids being delighted by this stuff. Kids are far less fragile than we think, and the many horror/adult elements that the film boasts should be plain sailing for most children. Haunted woods, spooky green witches and the living dead are all, well...kids stuff. The more adult themes, (which are central to the story) of familial acceptance, persecution, grief and injustice are deftly handled and with a real warmth. Our young ones can take it, at least when portrayed in such a gentle manner as they are here.

Don't get me wrong, the film does contain some freakishly tense moments, (for kids, I mean); I'm just saying that that is no bad thing. We all grew up with this sort of stuff. It shaped who we are. We'd be some unbelievable bastards if we didn't allow our little ones the same pleasures. When I think of horror in my head, I don't think of MARTYRS, or I SAW THE DEVIL. As great as those more adult works of horror are, I think of the glorious Technicolor terrors of the classic Hammer Films, or the fog-enshrouded forests of THE WOLFMAN. Childhood is the place where our love of the macabre takes root, and PARANORMAN fits perfectly into that mold. The constantly eerie visuals...the dark humor...the genuine love for horror past and present...the heartfelt message behind the tale...all these things conspire to make this a dead-cert future Halloween classic.

My daughter has only been on this planet for just over a year, and when watching PARANORMAN, only two things kept crossing my mind...1/ This is fucking awesome, and 2/ I can't wait to watch this with my baby girl. You cant really ask for more than that.

The story isn't exactly original, but that's besides the point here. this isn't about originality for all of us. For the kids, sure, but for the adults its all about familiarity and wistful memory. the balance is near perfect. There's also a timely and thoughtful message behind the tale which is easy to grasp for children without being in any way inauthentic. What we got here is a lovely blend of genre excess and emotional subtlety that holds up with the very best family films out there.

PARANORMAN will appeal to all ages. Its charm and wit will win over non-horror fans, and its ghoulish visual pizzazz will have old school fans salivating. Kids will adore and relate to the central character and his offbeat friends,(Mintz-Plasse is particularly hilarious), and the cinephiles will have a confidently crafted, stylishly directed and beautifully scored slice of offbeat cinema to chew on.

If, like myself, you a cineaste, an old school horror fan and a kid, (inside your heart),...well, you just found yourself a new Halloween tradition that just begs to be passed down to the younger generation. PARANORMAN is a fun, bittersweet tale that will captivate and touch audiences of all ages.

9 Witch-Hunters out of 10

Review : Dark Shadows (2012)

Director:

Tim Burton

Writers:

Seth Grahame-Smith (screenplay), John August (story), and 2 more credits »

Stars:

Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer and Eva Green

An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection. 

First of all...what the hell is it with Tim Burton and remakes?

The man used to knock out some interesting and original films. Sure, he's always had a problem from a storytelling point of view, but from a aesthetic standpoint, his films were the very definition of quirky. The stamp of his artistry was all over them, top to toe, and even when they fell flat in the plot department, the visual flair and the dedication to 'the weird' made them must see movies.

Compare EDWARD SCISSORHANDS to CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY...there is no comparison. One is a unique and heartfelt take on isolation, filtered through a fairytale gothicism that's damned near irresistible, and the other is an overblown, rehash of a stone cold classic, which replaces the magic of its central character with a creepy as hell, Micheal Jackson mutation that's more likely to strike soul freezing terror into children than entrance them. Its like the man got so far in his career and decided, 'you know what, I'm tired of standing for something. I think I'll just remake/re-imagine every damn thing that comes my way'...

Review : The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Director:

Drew Goddard

Writers:

Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard

Stars:

Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth and Anna Hutchison

Five college buddies head out to a remote cabin for a weekend of beer, weed, sex and general grooviness, but soon after arriving, they find that, well, I'm not telling....

This will probably be a very short review, folks, and for good reason. If like myself, your a wise and experienced soul, you'll know to avoid all trailers, spoilers and amatuer reviews of this little ditty, (and horror in general, as it happens). Its a film that simply sings if you know nothing about it going in. Hell, it sings anyway, loudly and beautifully. The impact is far greater though, if your out of the loop entirely.

Its no secret by now that what seems like a template horror scenario is turned upside down, spun around, shot full with head-fuckery and let loose on the populace, but boy, does the film impress, hyped or not. This is what horror cinema is all about people. Its a perfect example of why the genre inspires so much love in its audience. Its creativity is boundless, its execution is perfect in every single way, and its just about the most fun I've ever had watching a horror movie in my life.

Review : Nailbiter (2012)

 

Director:

Patrick Rea

Writers:

Patrick Rea, Kendal Sinn

Stars:

Joicie Appell, Emily Boresow and Jason Coffman

I first heard NAILBITER being described as being very much like an early X-Files episode. You know, one of those 'monster of the week' numbers that many of us enjoyed so much back in the day. And while its true that it is reminiscent of one of those ideas, NAILBITER, sadly, the comparison only runs as far as its idea's.

It begins promisingly enough, with a slightly dysfunctional family, (one mother, three daughters), being caught up in the eye of a tornado and having to take refuge in the basement of a seemingly abandoned house out in the countryside. Once the storm passes, the family find that they are not alone, and are being held against their will in the basement by someone/something unknown.

Review : Snow White and The Huntsman (2012)

Director:

Rupert Sanders

Writers:

Evan Daugherty (screenplay), John Lee Hancock (screenplay), and 2 more credits »

Stars:

Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron

In this new-improved version of the Snow White tale, Bella Swan hooks up with Thor to do battle with her evil stepmother, Eileen Wuernos, and your eyeballs get a good hard fucking..... 

After the last five years, I can safely say Ive had just about enough of 'The Twilight Chick'.

Now I don't know if its the godawful scripts and piss-poor directing on those films that have turned what once was believed to be a promising young girls careers into an acting-free zone, or if the girl is just deeply untalented. Its probably a combination of all of the above.

Her performances in SNOW WHITE won't change anyone's minds; its the same lip-biting, eye-rolling bullshit she's been coasting on since the emo vampire trash went from tween bookshelves to our cinema's. She no damn good. No harm meant to the gal but I gotta keep it honest.

Review : Wrath of the Titans (2012)

Director:

Jonathan Liebesman

Writers:

Dan Mazeau (screenplay), David Johnson (screenplay), and 4 more credits »

Stars:

Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson and Rosamund Pike
 
Perseus braves the treacherous underworld to rescue his father, Zeus, captured by his son, Ares, and brother Hades who unleash the ancient Titans upon the world.

Right of the bat, let me state that I hated the CLASH OF THE TITANS remake on its release. It suffered from lifeless performances, a lackluster script, some seriously dodgy CG, (Medusa looked like a damned PlayStation 2 cut-scene), and action sequences that felt supremely underwhelming, (not least in the limp-dick finale). It was a mess, but in retrospect and with my nostalgia-fueled rage somewhat tempered by the passing of time, Ive come to see it as a minor nuisance, rather than an all-out clusterfuck.

Most of the Earths populace deemed it to fit into one of these categories - Clusterfuck or nuisance.

No one thought it was worth a damn, and less than no one wanted a sequel. Yet here we are. The big bucks that CLASH brought the studios has spoken and must be obeyed. How utterly predictable.

Whats not predictable is the sheer soul freezing shock that WRATH is actually a much more accomplished than its predecessor. In fact, I found it to be something of a blast. I know, I know..I'm crazy, but bare with me a second and let me explain.

Review : Piranha 3D (2010)

Director:

Alexandre Aja

Writers:

Pete Goldfinger, Josh Stolberg

Stars:

Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell and Richard Dreyfuss

After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents.

Its been a long time coming, but the gloriously named PIRANHA 3DD is finally set to hit cinema's in the coming weeks, so the time seems right to have a look back at the first film. A remake that manages to be among the most mindlessly enjoyable mainstream Horror experiences in too many years to count.

PIRANHA is the definition of a divisive film. As a warm blooded man/pervert, and a card carrying lover of all things 'cheesy monster movie'. I was on board for this sumbitch from day one. The original was great fun in its own right, but with SWITCHBLADE ROMANCE and THE HILLS HAVE EYES director, Aja, at the helm, this was always gonna be a step up from what had come before. His remake of HILLS was, for my dollar, a far more visceral experience than Wes Craven's original, and the idea of this guy cutting loose with some man-eating fish was pretty fucking tantalizing. That said, it still proved to be surprisingly great fun.

Review : The Troll Hunter (2010)

 

Director:

André Øvredal

Writers:

André Øvredal, Håvard S. Johansen (contributing writer)

Stars:

Otto Jespersen, Robert Stoltenberg and Knut Nærum

A group of students investigates a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter.

Andre Ovredal's THE TROLL HUNTER is the definition of unique. A found footage film that combines fear, fairy-tales, action and atmosphere; blending real suspense with some very humorous scenarios. Its a movie aiming to meld documentarian realism to a fantastical story. A travelogue through Middle Earth via the breathtaking landscapes of Norway. A comedic adventure. An old school monster movie, and, finally, a look at belief and wonderment, and the importance of holding onto those feelings.

The film opens in the usual 'found footage' stylee, with a few solemn words silently filling the screen to set the tone. we're informed that the footage is indeed 'found' and that the creators are missing in action. The footage, we're told, is as it was found, in sequence and un-tampered with, (other than being edited down for time, of course), and then, we're off...

Upcoming Horror : The Lost Coast Tapes' One-Sheets Revealed...

Some time back I wrote a small article on a humble, upcoming indie horror film that caught my attention and imagination from the very first. That film was THE LOST COAST TAPES, (you can read the original article here), and even way back then, it had the potential to be a stone cold winner. I had high hopes that these guys could pull it off. A Sasquatch movie in the found-footage mold....count me the fuck in!

Well, time passed slowly and surely, and the airwaves went deathly quiet, as the cast and crew headed off into those beautiful woodland locations. I for one figured the poor bastards had all met their grisly demise out there in the untamed wilds. Perhaps a case of life imitating art, thought I.

I'm glad to say my overactive imagination was taking me for a ride. The team behind the movie, and the movie itself, are all very much alive and in very good shape.