Stars:Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron
In this new-improved version of the Snow White tale, Bella Swan hooks up with Thor to do battle with her evil stepmother, Eileen Wuernos, and your eyeballs get a good hard fucking.....
After the last five years, I can safely say Ive had just about enough of 'The Twilight Chick'.
Now I don't know if its the godawful scripts and piss-poor directing on those films that have turned what once was believed to be a promising young girls careers into an acting-free zone, or if the girl is just deeply untalented. Its probably a combination of all of the above.
Her performances in SNOW WHITE won't change anyone's minds; its the same lip-biting, eye-rolling bullshit she's been coasting on since the emo vampire trash went from tween bookshelves to our cinema's. She no damn good. No harm meant to the gal but I gotta keep it honest.
Strangely though, in SNOW WHITE, her deeply confused expressions and total lack of character don't actually make me want to eat my own eyeballs. Well, not both of them....maybe the left one, that's sorta fucked up anyway.
Its most likley because the film thats surrounding her is actually, (hate-mail a go-go) pretty darn entertaining. This darker, more adult take on the well known fairy tale gets a whole lot right.
Taking its directorial cues from Peter Jackson's LORD OF THE RINGS, and aiming to compete in that lofty arena, (My favorite films of all time, folks), this film has some big balls and occasionally, visually at least, it threatens to slap you on the face with 'em. Its an absolutley stunning looking movie. Every single shot is exquisite in detail, texture and scale. From the all-out horror sequences that pepper Snow's journey, to the huge battle sequences and a host of mythical beasts; the film is visually on a par with LOTR and Guillermo Del Toro's PAN'S LABYRINTH. I dont state that lightly, either.
Where the film is lacking is in depth of character, and of plot. LORD OF THE RINGS can be read in countless different ways ranging from a requim for World War 2 to an attack on the progression of our species through industry. Every character, every location, every action can, (and has been), placed under our intelectuall microscopes, never to be fully grasped, yet always to be pondered.
That said, while your brain won't be vexed, your retina's will have sweet love made to them. And you'r almost gaurenteeed to be entertained.
The visuals, as great as they are, aren't the main draw though. That accolade goes to one Charlize Theron as the super-evil, deeply insecure Queen...
Her performance ois nothing short of ferocious, and ranks among the coldest, most chilling villains that have hit the screen in many a year. Playing a truly wicked, corrupted soul, she carries the film with the ease of a true professional and is riviting in every scene. In fact the films fun-factor noticeably dips when she aint around. Good thing then that she has some decent backup.
Our boy, Chris Hemsworth, provides the much needed charm and charisma that your never gonna get from Kristen Stewart. He plays a reluctant hero/Han Solo type and its what he's good at. He keeps things alive when Theron is absent.
Stewart, as I mentioned, is passable in this. She has the right look for Snow, (despite being nowhere near as fair as the stunning Theron), and her perma-confused, emo schtick is a good fit for the lost and adrift character she's playing. Theres a few moments where she even transcends 'Bella' and comes across like a real person, (well, sort of). Maybe theres hope yet that her post-TWILIGHT career may be salvaged. You never know, man...you never know.
SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMEN should satisfy lovers of Horror and Fantasy cinema alike. Its beautiful to behold, exudes a palpable sense of menace and dark magic, and has a grandstanding performance by Theron. It successfully recalls the high adventure flicks that were so popular in the 80's, not least THE PRINCESS BRIDE, and forges the sense of fun that infused those movies with impressively dark adult tones. Forget that Stewart is playing Snow, (she barely has any lines anyway), and take a risk with this one. Its the best fantasy movie in years, perhaps since RINGS, and it'll be sitting in my DVD collection directly, (although I ain't proud of it).
It aint the fairest of them all, but its pretty tidy.
7.5 Magic-Shrooms out of 10