Review : Dark Shadows (2012)

Director:

Tim Burton

Writers:

Seth Grahame-Smith (screenplay), John August (story), and 2 more credits »

Stars:

Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer and Eva Green

An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection. 

First of all...what the hell is it with Tim Burton and remakes?

The man used to knock out some interesting and original films. Sure, he's always had a problem from a storytelling point of view, but from a aesthetic standpoint, his films were the very definition of quirky. The stamp of his artistry was all over them, top to toe, and even when they fell flat in the plot department, the visual flair and the dedication to 'the weird' made them must see movies.

Compare EDWARD SCISSORHANDS to CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY...there is no comparison. One is a unique and heartfelt take on isolation, filtered through a fairytale gothicism that's damned near irresistible, and the other is an overblown, rehash of a stone cold classic, which replaces the magic of its central character with a creepy as hell, Micheal Jackson mutation that's more likely to strike soul freezing terror into children than entrance them. Its like the man got so far in his career and decided, 'you know what, I'm tired of standing for something. I think I'll just remake/re-imagine every damn thing that comes my way'...

Review : Snow White and The Huntsman (2012)

Director:

Rupert Sanders

Writers:

Evan Daugherty (screenplay), John Lee Hancock (screenplay), and 2 more credits »

Stars:

Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron

In this new-improved version of the Snow White tale, Bella Swan hooks up with Thor to do battle with her evil stepmother, Eileen Wuernos, and your eyeballs get a good hard fucking..... 

After the last five years, I can safely say Ive had just about enough of 'The Twilight Chick'.

Now I don't know if its the godawful scripts and piss-poor directing on those films that have turned what once was believed to be a promising young girls careers into an acting-free zone, or if the girl is just deeply untalented. Its probably a combination of all of the above.

Her performances in SNOW WHITE won't change anyone's minds; its the same lip-biting, eye-rolling bullshit she's been coasting on since the emo vampire trash went from tween bookshelves to our cinema's. She no damn good. No harm meant to the gal but I gotta keep it honest.