Review : Spiders (2013)

Its not every day that I come across a giant bug movie I find it hard to get behind, man. Give me some radiated insect, some hot and sultry scientist gal, some military hi-jinx and some city/town-wide destruction, and I'm popping smiles left and right, but somehow, this months SPIDERS failed to do it for me, in any way whatsoever. Let me attempt to pinpoint the reasons why, and maybe save you a buck or ten...

First off...the plot.

SPIDERS is your typical 'space insects hurtle towards earth on a shuttle-fragment and once here presume to grow faster than Russell Crowe's beer-gut' scenario. We've been here a million times before, and lets be honest, we don't give a good shit how the giant spiders get here, just as long as when they DO get here, they fuck shit up like the MC5 circa '69. Plots, characters, acting and drama almost always get a pass in these b-movies. They get by on charm, playfulness and yes, big-ass bugs eating hapless extras. Its not much to ask. Occasionally we'll get a serious take on this thing, (MIMIC comes immediately to mind), and some of them are even stone-cold classics, (THEM! still ranks as the big daddy of the giant creep-crawly flicks, and TREMORS resides among the all-time greats like a boss), but for the most part they're simply throwaway fun. Shamelessly made and slightly shaming to watch and enjoy. Not that such confliction of standards will stop us hungry horror fans...

So, as a bug-movie enthusiast, and a well-known chronic arachnophobe, I jumped into SPIDERS with a mix of apprehension and boyish glee. A big bug bonanza made for the big screen sounded like just the ticket, man. Well you know what? It wasn't.

The show starts off pretty strong, with a cool opening shot of some space-spiders scuttling amidst the corpses of a derelict space-hub, (is that what we're calling these things? I have no fucking clue...I'm not a scientist), that pans through the devastation wrought by the little eight-legged bastards, and out into open space, where we see some random meteors smash the 'hub' to shit. This, of course, sends our little buddies on a one-way trip to New York, (obviously), where they crash into the subway, set up home, and begin to grow at 'AN ALARMING RATE!!!!!!'. The usual...so far, so good. No complaints.

Horror Hotel Cinema - Invaders from Mars (1953)

I've been reading a novel by Robert McCammon this past week, called BOYS LIFE. It's an exceptional book that details with pinpoint accuracy the bittersweet endurance test that is 'coming of age'. I can't recommend the book to you folks enough. It really is beautiful to behold. Anyway, this ain't about that, this is about this...

There's a chapter in the book in which two of its young heroes attend a local cinema where, along with their peers, they are terrified out of their minds by a film that plays on the most dreaded of childhood fears...the mistrust of our parents. The book goes into the film in great detail, and it really did set a fire under my ass to revisit this age-old classic and see if it stands the test of time. I did, and it does.

Classic science-fiction, 50's paranoia, a kid in fear of his family, and a hell of a fine time at the Hotel Cinema. Kick back, hop in yer time machine, and prepare yourself for...INVADERS FROM MARS!

Oh, and read that book already.

Review : Detention (2011)

Director:

Joseph Kahn

Writers:

Joseph Kahn, Mark Palermo

Stars:

Josh Hutcherson, Shanley Caswell and Spencer Locke

As a killer named Cinderhella stalks the student body at the high school in Grizzly Lake, a group of co-eds band together to survive while they're all serving detention.

'What the FUCK are you watching!!??'

Yep, that's the first words that came out of my lady-friends mouth when she walked in and caught me watching DETENTION...

'Well, honey, its sort of a cross between PROM NIGHT, URBAN LEGEND, BACK TO THE FUTURE and DONNIE DARKO, with some SAY ANYTHING thrown in there for good measure. It's about a time-machine and a serial killer who digs Cinderella and its sort of a romance but with a Grizzly Bear in there.Oh, and some alien mutations too. I think I may have had my drink spiked' I replied.

'Looks fucking crazy' she retorted, and left the room without another word.

Review : Men in Black 3 (2012)

 

Director:

Barry Sonnenfeld

Writers:

Etan Cohen, Lowell Cunningham (Malibu comic)

Stars:

Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin
 
Agent J travels in time to MIB's early years in the 1960s, to stop an alien from assassinating his friend Agent K and changing history. 

I gotta be honest with you, I cant remember a great deal about the original MEN IN BLACK. I vaguely remember it being watchable, and having a groovy closing scene feauring universes inside universes, but I was a card carying X-FILES kid, and the comedic vibe the film shot for really twisted my melons the wrong way. See, for me, 'Men in Black' were serious fucking business. People to be feared. Not least because I lived in constant fear they'd fuck up my plans of heading to 'Devil Mountain' and having my ass abducted off this war rock we call 'Earth'.

A film that painted these dark and mysterious bastards in comedic tones was not something my none-more-serious persona was willing to accept. So MEN IN BLACK sorta pissed me off. That said, it was a fun film, if you could get over the handling of the subject matter and that godawful Will Smith song that came as part of the package. It was what it was...throwaway Hollywood fluff. Nothing more, nothing less.

I never saw the sequel. I own it, (dont ask me how), but I never got round to watching it.