Sunday, 6 January 2013

Horror Hotel Management - Worst Horror of 2012

Having just compiled my list of this years most memorable and enjoyable genre experiences, it is, and I say this with no pleasure, time to revisit the films that worked real hard at making horror look every bit as inept and vacuous as much of the mainstream audience imagine it to be.

I rarely take pleasure in tearing apart a horror film, even when, like this bunch of shit-stains, they threaten to destroy my faith not only the genre, but in the known universe at large. Sometimes, though, you just gotta tear those fuckers down.

I won't waste a great deal of time on these less-than-noble fuck-ups, but I hope that what I will say may be enough to save you from wasting a few valuable hours of your life. To each their own, man; but these bad-boys stank up my brain so much I can't imagine anyone getting anything from them other than an overwhelming urge to maim and kill. Here goes...


After the surprisingly enjoyable PA3, watching this is akin to watching your dick shrink after some particularly enjoyable one-time-only sex. No scares, no plot, no characters. Just a cynical money-grab by bastards who have made more than enough cash already by having camera's pan around darkened living rooms, and assholes scream at nothing.


Finally finding a release in 2012, ROSEWOOD LANE managed to provide the most head-bustingly hilarious scenes in any horror movie this decade. The problem was, it wasn't meant to be a fucking comedy. Convicted child molester, Victor Salva's latest venture into barely disguised pedophilic imagery was a non-stop shitfest featuring a 30 year old paperboy, (Salva ain't allowed to work with kids apparently, and for good fucking reason), a face-pissing sequence that screamed 'glory-hole fantasy, and an antagonist who performs utterly terrifying acts such as..BREAKING IN AND REARRANGING A PERSONS ORNAMENTS!!! Don't support this man's work, for any number of reasons.


How do you fuck up a sequel to PIRANHA!? That film was as low-brow as they come...great fun, yes, but hardly a hard act to follow. All you require is tits, ultra-violence and some hilarious cameo work, right? Wrong, apparently. 3DD managed to feature all these things and still somehow suck unholy balls even as a cheap exploitation movie. I'm all for camp, no-brain fun, but this thing lacks what makes a real exploitation film work...charm. The effects are awful, there's no plot, the acting is so bad as to be painful, and worse than all of that...Hasselhoff is completely squandered in his cameo. Congratulations, 3DD, you managed to make tits boring.


The worst sort of horror movie, (and I feel like eating my own head even calling this a horror movie), is the 'hollywood-teen' horror. You know the type...generically good-looking young cast, horrifyingly boring dialogue, stilted and mind-numbing romantic elements, no scares or gore, and cliche piled upon cliche that could only ever please a teenage crowd who's parents weren't cool enough to raise 'em on real horror...its all here in spades. Even that pretty gal with the mans voice from THE HUNGER GAMES can't save this bin-bound bollocks.


This has to be the worst horror movie I've seen in years. It's simply unwatchable. It's scares are laughable, its hand-held camerawork is contrived and does nothing to support or enhance the 'story', and it has NO FUCKING ENDING. In fact, if you wanna know what happens, YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE WEBSITE AND READ ABOUT IT. Which, as you can imagine, I absolutely fucking did not...


No film in recent memory has pissed in my well anywhere near as potently as REC 3. I love the first two, but with this one, their co-director seems hellbent on utterly shitting on the franchise. Instead of sheer razor-wire suspense and outright terror, we get something that I'm assuming is supposed to be comedic, but is about as funny as having your dick hammered. Why does this garbage even have the word, 'REC', in the title. Did I miss something?!


A film that, in trying to play smart to the online generation, manages to come off as a desperate cry for attention from a rapidly dwindling, piss-stained pensioner. SMILEY was to slasher films what chilli-sauce on your hands is to masturbation. It burned all the more painfully, as we expected a new horror icon we could perhaps get behind. A huge disappointment from start to finish.

So there you have it...some of the worst atrocities committed to celluloid that the year of 2012 brought us. There are plenty more; of that I have no doubt, but I'm getting wiser in my old age, and tend to avoid many of the more dubious releases like the clap. Feel free to share your cinematic horror stories below, folks. Perhaps in bringing these shit-stains to the light we can somehow find a way to move on in our lives. I doubt it, but it's worth a try, y'all...

Hotel Management.


  1. Dear Management,
    We've got a lot in common, are you hiring?

    Seriously, I have no idea WHY Paranormal Activity came out with a fourth movie. The only part that got a slight gasp was the number 4. FOUR- how are they getting any type of payout to create any more horrible movies?

  2. The fifth is on the way, Amanda.
    We're doomed....