Its that time of year again when huge corporations hook your children in with a barrage of advertising media, and your already half empty wallet is bled dry in the name of material possession. It's that time of year again when your drug-addict uncle throws up all over your X-Box, and your drunken father lets you know, in no uncertain terms, that you were a ripped condom, and have impoverished him ever since. A time for unwanted gifts to be received and over-expensive gifts to be given in order to save face. A time for burned Turkey dinners, and overdosing on Disney movies till the stinging sugar pours from your eyeballs.
Yep, its Christmas. The most stressful time of the year for the poor among us, and the most fun time of year for the Wal-mart, Tesco and Amazon shareholders of the world. Hallelujah, indeed.....
If the mere mention of this most Christian, (or, if we're being honest, Pagan), holiday sends shivers up your spine for all the wrong reasons...fear not, troops. All those relatives who ignored your plea's to share in some Horror Cinema during the season of the witch, can be harassed once again. This time in the name of seasonal cheer.
See how they like them rotten apples!
Your old pal, Santa Kyle, is taking a break from decorating the Hotel walls with Intestinal Tinsel and decking the halls with offal, to bring you a little guide to some of the films that you can take along with you to view with all the family on this most materialistic of days. Films that take the Christmas spirit outside and bury his face in the snow till the screaming stops. Films that take that kid from A CHRISTMAS STORY and actually DO shoot his eye out. Its the Horror Hotel's 'Christmas Antidote'.....
An underrated little gem that takes a very dark look at the origins of the Santa Clause legend. It feels like a 'none-more-black' take on early Spielbergian adventures, and while often creepy, it somehow manages to be a feelgood, honest-to-god Christmas film by the time all is said and done. As a bonus, it reveals that fat, red bastard as the child hating creep-show we always suspected he was. Review here!
SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT
An absolute classic of exploitation cinema, that follows the mis-adventures of a kid who witnesses a psycho (dressed as Santa), rape and kill his mother. Years pass as the kid gets more and more unstable, until he grows up and lands a job as....Santa! Axe-wielding madness ensues. The outrage this film caused on release from rampant drooling Christians, is reason enough to make your gran watch it.
Another dark Christmas classic. This film has everything. Cute Mogwai's, vicious little bastards, and a totally unnecessary monologue about a chicks dad getting stuck in the chimney on Xmas eve, (as he impersonates Santa), only to be found rotting by his loving family, later. Legendary! Its also set in the most 'Christmassy' town in Cinema, (it recalls the quaint township featured in ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE). Watch it with the kids, and they'll love you for it.
Arguably the original slasher, this is a yuletide Horror that's still as profoundly disturbing today, as it was on release. It manages to take all the festive sounds and sights we relate to family, warmth and good cheer, (including Christmas Carols), and turns them into wholly threatening portents of death and tragedy. One of the greatest Horror movies ever made. Review here!
Considered by some to be the quintessential seasonal fright-flick. This one, like SILENT NIGHT, follows a traumatised kid into adult loopy-land. This time, the poor little bugger catches his Dad banging his Mum, (dressed as Mr Clause, of course). And as with the previous film, he dons the red suit and opens a can of 'naughty or nice' on the populace. This one is actually a rather intelligent look at the Santa myth, and is a perfect 'fuck you!', to whichever relative forces you to sit through THE SANTA CLAUSE for the twentieth damn time.
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE....
Not a full movie, but a very creepy episode from the much-adored EC-based TALES FROM THE CRYPT. Obviously fake snow, and the semi-retarded guy from L.A LAW, (as a fucking creepy Santa) can't dilute the awesome. And it's willing to chop up a kid on Christmas Eve. What more do you want?
And last but not least.....(Apologies in advance)
THE MUPPET'S CHRISTMAS CAROL
Yes, I know its as far from Horror as you can possibly get, and I have no excuse for it's inclusion. It's got ghosts in it, though, and stars Micheal Caine as Ebeneezer Scrooge, so be at peace! It's my one weakness during the holiday season. So if all that groovy Horror wears you out, just sit back, grab some mulled wine, and watch a truly lovely take of Dickens's classic morality tale. Again, sorry....
Let me make it up to you, with a cosy little reading of a Christmas classic, from our old pal, The Crypt-Keeper....
MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND PEACE AND LOVE TO ALL!!!