Review : Nine Dead ( 2010 )

I had planned to review the incredible, I SAW THE DEVIL, this morning. But after the first two films I reviewed turned out both to be surprisingly brilliant, I thought I'd lower the tone a little.

Last night, nursing a hangover garnered from the weekends shameful exploits , I decided the only cure for my pain would be a horror double bill and some Earl Grey. NINE DEAD was the second of my choices. The first being TUCKER & DALE Vs EVIL, (a gem of a film that I'll review later), and the second being this pile of shite.
Whats to say about NINE DEAD? Well, here's the basic premise and you can make of it what you will. Nine strangers with only the broadest of personality traits and an amazing ability to make any line they utter sound laughable, wake up chained to individual poles in a dimly lit dungeon style crib. Some masked dickhead introduces himself and tells them they have to work out why they re all there, and every ten minutes that passes as they try to work it out, he'll pop in and shoot one of these ass clowns in the head, putting the audience out of the misery of having to witness their high school level performances. He could have just killed them all first time round and saved himself and all of us a good hour and a half that we ain't ever getting back. When on their deathbeds people talk about wishing for only one more hour enjoying this world, Its films like this that pop into their memory and send them hurtling into the ever-after with a sour fucking look on their face.
If the premise sounds familiar, well, that's because it is. You've seen this film a thousand times, and done a thousand times better. Its SAW 101, yet another bottom of the barrel rip off, feeding the modern audiences love of torture based horror and twisty turny mysteries.
The problem here is that there isn't any torture and the twists are telegraphed a mile away, (never mind the fact that by the time anything is revealed, you couldn't give a flying fuck what its all about anyway). This type of film has been plaguing bargain bins the world over since SAW became a massive sleeper hit. Its success and the success of its sequels sealed every true horror fans fate. For every genuinely intelligent and well observed sub genre piece, (I'm thinking EXAM), we get two or three of these shitpiles.
The only saving grace to be found here is in some of the performances being so utterly piss poor they can be pretty funny. The most enjoyable ones being that of a pedophile, (gay amazingly enough) and an Italian guy, who just happens to be a mafia drug smuggler or some shit. No cliches in this film, folks....
You may be surprised to find two familiar faces in here. One who is a fine actor, and one who's Mellisa Joan Hart. You remember her, right? She played a teenage witch on some Disney Channel show about a 100 years ago. How she carried a TV show is anyones guess; shes annoying as hell here, and hasn't even got the 'so bad its fun' factor of our pedo/mafia pals.
The other actor of note is only revealed at the very end, and then promptly gets fucking killed after three lines of dialogue. Good use of your best hand there, guys. LOST fans will recognise him, and wonder what in the sweet fuck hes doing here, just as I did.
Theres nothing I can really say to recommend this film. As DTV flicks go, its too mundane to be truly awful, (and therefore fun), and its so lacking in originality, suspense and, (very important for this sub-genre), gore that theres little here for even the most forgiving indie horror fan. As for me, my head hurts and Ive took up enough of my time revisiting NINE DEATHS. Go hunt down EXAM and avoid this film like the fucking plague.